Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
