It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
