Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
