Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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