Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
