please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
