someone threw a dead crab at me
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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