Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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