how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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