I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She even gives head with a lisp.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
