what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
