those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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