would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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