Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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