now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
