We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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