I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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