You don't have asthma, your pregnant
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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