...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
