Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
