I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
