im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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