Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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