it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
This house was built for laser tag.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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