I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Randomize
