I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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