I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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