Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
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