i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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