Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
