Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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