It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
