Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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