my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
