I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
COCAINE IS GR8
I pour the whiskey from now on
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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