I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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