I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
