The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
