sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
