3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
