Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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