My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I had to cum in my sink.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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