On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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