I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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