God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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