My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
