I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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