All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
