Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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