exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
