census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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