I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
