Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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