Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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