I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Two words: nipple clamps
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