it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
