hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize