you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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