Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize