the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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