I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Randomize
